In the blue corner is the four year old, armed and loaded with aggression, frustration and defiance. In the red corner is us (me and my parenting partner), peering out with uncertainty from behind our hooded robes, not knowing whether to be on the attack, the defense or simply run while we can. We are, clearly, fighting out of our own weight divisions, and it doesn’t seem fair that there’s two in one corner and one in the other, but that’s just the way it is.
Life in our little family has been somewhat tense in recent times. Big attitudes have met with angry voices, Lego has been thrown, name-calling hurtled across the room, tears and snot have poured from orifices and blood pressure has been rising. Why? His teachers suggest that it’s just a phase that children around our angel’s age go through and it will pass. Family and brave friends ‘wonder’ if it has something to do with the impending arrival of a new family member (did I order a side dish of guilt with that?). I have no idea – I just want to know what to do about it!
I was never one to clutch a new baby or parenting book tightly to my chest, sleep with it under my pillow and rely on it for great wisdom. I think such publications instill fear, guilt and uncertainty. I believe that no child will not be found in a book and that parents know their child better than any author/expert ever will. Done. It’s said.
But I do admit that when times get tough it seems like the best thing to do – search the internet, read magazine articles and try to find the solution to your nightmare, or nightmare child as it may be. Yesterday I happened to see three different TV shows that spoke to some form of parenting practice, piled high with advice from ‘experts’. I also happened to read an article in a parenting magazine (not paid for, mind you) about managing child behavior. I found myself, in my state of near desperation (I don’t think I’m there just yet), listening, absorbing and considering. Oops.
This is what I learnt:
1. The Super Nanny may have the whole Time Out thing wrong. It may, in fact, teach children nothing.
2. Counting to 3 (as in, ‘If you haven’t started brushing your teeth by the time I count to three…’) only shifts the post. Children know that you’re not serious until you get to three – you should just be serious from the start.
3. Yelling, screaming, shouting (not that it is ever done in this household) are not only ineffective in eliciting a change in behavior, but are a selfish act of steam release for the adult. Don’t do it.
4. Consequences, not punishment, are what children learn best from. Sometimes letting your child fall off the chair, when you have forewarned him of the danger and he continues to rock and wriggle, is the only way for him to learn that perhaps sitting still is the better option.
I’m not really sure what to do with this newly acquired wisdom. I think there is some merit in it and maybe we need to try some new tactics (we do have ambulance cover, so if it comes to learning from consequence, the financial cost is covered). I guess we’ll navigate our way through this dark patch with trial and error, as we have always done, and hope to emerge with as little bruising and bleeding as possible (having said that, labour and birth are just around the corner…).
