It’s clear from yesterday’s shameful episode of Dr Phil (let me be clear here…I caught a glimpse, well, 25 minutes or so, of it…I am not a regular viewer!) that the TV psychologist is mounting a client drive. Business must be slow because there can be no other reason, or excuse, for shattering the minds and moods of every expectant and new mother out there.
As if we weren’t already bombarded with ludicrous expectations from every angle about what we and our babies should be doing, Dr Phil has introduced us to his first grandchild. She is perfect (their words, not mine) – alert, ‘very intelligent’ (note, at the time of filming she was 4 weeks old!), never cries and falls asleep peacefully as soon as she is swaddled. But let me step back a little to the (filmed) labour and birth.
The daughter-in-law new mummy is stunning. You know, long blond hair that shines like satin, tanned skin, straight white teeth, large breasts, dainty nose and a make-up job that ought to have taken a good half day to slap on. This is how she looked during contractions. The labour was 30 hours apparently but you see no sweat and hear no cursing or animal noises. And either she had an epidural or she was knocked over the head, because the pushing part that usually elicits some shattering screams or grunting groans, was all calm, quiet and effortless. ‘The birth was amazing!’ Nice one.
So let’s re-cap what we’ve learnt from today’s episode:
1. Pregnancy is no excuse for looking anything other than perfectly manicured.
2. Labour is no excuse for looking anything other than perfectly manicured.
3. Giving birth is an ‘amazing’ experience. It is calm, quiet and pain-free.
4. Having given birth is no excuse for looking anything other than perfectly manicured.
5. Babies are calm, quiet and pain-free. So are new mothers.
Okay, all clear? There should be no doubt left in any woman’s mind now that WE ARE ALL HIDEOUS, LAZY, CRAZY CREATURES WHO NOW NEED THERAPY!! Anyone have Dr Phil’s contact details?
