It comes up over and over again. The sting in parenthood. Finding that precarious balance between satisfying self and child.
“I want to watch the Bee movie mummy.”
“But I’m sick of that one, we watched it yesterday. Let’s watch something else.”
“No, no NO!”
A simple example and one that’s not going to change the course of your relationship, you would hope. And to bee honest, I can probably tolerate watching it again for the sake of household peace. It’s not worth starting a war over.
The more challenging decisions, when it comes to choosing between me and him, are those that I actually have complete control over. Big things, like how much I work.
I had always thought that I’d have between nine and twelve months maternity leave (and realise how lucky I am to have that choice); that I’d cherish that time away from an office, immersed in motherhood and all that it entailed. But I wasn’t to know that after the excitement of it all had passed, I would feel a deep dissatisfaction and frustration. After 3 months I was yearing for something more; something to break the monotony and stimulate my mind. I ended up holding off, much to my detriment, until he was 6 months old, and then returned to work 1 day a week. I also studied, which was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made.
Leaving him with a carer (family was not an option) when 6 months old was difficult because he was still breastfeeding. I struggled on, trying to express in my little, insecure office and getting only drops at a time – frustrating, because I had LOTS of milk in there - enough to squirt across nearly the entire length of the bathroom! It all became too much and so at 8 months he was weaned. I was, secretly, relieved to have severed that dependant tie, but also swamped with guilt. I’d put my child in care at just 6 months, weaned him before I had planned to and was really enjoying my time away from him each week.
Despite the knawing guilt, I know that I made a decision that had to be made – for my sake. And I’d do it again. Parenting is not an easy balancing act, but knowing that happy mum means happy child (well, that’s my mantra anyway!) is like having a good quality safety net below.
